


You Can (Not) Just Punch the Angels

by ReasonablyFirmEggs



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, ワンパンマン | One-Punch Man
Genre: Crossover, Expect a Saitama vs Arael scene in chapter 3 or something, F/M, Humor, Some characters may be OOC due to me being bad at writing, Writing fanfiction? SHAME ON FAMIRY
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2018-12-20 00:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11909049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReasonablyFirmEggs/pseuds/ReasonablyFirmEggs
Summary: Something of a story that follows the plot of Evangelion, but with Saitama. Because reasons.





	1. RoboMom

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure if I got Saitama's dialogue correct. He has a simple and dull style of speech, yet it can be amazingly difficult to write dialogue for him. I feel like the beginning is a little more awkward style-wise, but I really have no ideas on how to change it. That being said, sit back (or lean forward) and experience the story.

"Hey, I have an idea," Saitama started.

Gendo looked at the newest deviation in his Scenario, a bald man with the power to defeat the angels with a single punch and responded with a tone of cold indifference, much like the one he used with his son. "Yes?"

Unperturbed, he continued, "The Evas have a mother's soul in them right?"

Gendo's tone dropped even further and with it, went the room temperature. Not that Saitama noticed, his endurance training helped him adapt remarkably well to cold temperatures. Ah, the wonders of not using any form of heating or air conditioning. Saves money too.

"How much do you know." It wasn't a question so much as a command.

"I was lost and needed to use the bathroom really badly."

"I do not see how that pertains to your knowledge of the Evangelions." Gendo struggled to keep calm and prevent himself from trying to strangle the bald man. The key word being "trying" here, since most conventional forms of hurting people were rendered null when applied to the... irregularity in logic that called himself Saitama.

"Well, I had this idea that the Rabbi-"

"Magi."

"Yeah, those, should have a map the place right? Then I found the Maggy but it asked for a password."

At this point Fuyutsuki took over, noticing that Gendo was close to having an aneurysm. "So how did you get in?"

"I asked nicely.

Both men responded with a stare. The Sub-Commander's expression was one of disbelief, while the Commander started to develop a subtle tic in his left eye.

"Really, that all I did. Honest."

Seeing as neither of the men would respond to his statement, he continued.

"Anyways, what if you made them into human sized robots? Like cyborgs. Genos could probably help."

An idea that snapped Gendo out of his tic, one which he immediately started to refute, until he considered to premise. The Evangelion units were necessary to defeat the angels and were required for Instrumentality, but the existence of Saitama rendered them obsolete and a robo-Yui would achieve his goal of bringing Yui back to him. Not quite how he envisioned it, but between melting everyone in the world to reunite with Yui and making a robot Yui, the latter would be deemed more socially acceptable and less likely to upset Yui.

Also, a robot Yui. Kinky.

The more he thought about it, the better the idea got. With Yui back, he could actually learn to become a decent human again! And Shinji- Shinji, his son, the boy he had callously abandoned in his quest for Yui, he could give Shinji the approval and love that his son desired from him! A robot mother might be slightly damaging to his psyche, but he'd get used to it eventually. He'd have to keep the other to Units around as a contingency plan, but the chances of needing them were slim with Saitama proving his ability to adapt to the various angels.

"Very well. I shall consider your suggestion."

Fuyutsuki looked as if he might object to the decision, but he too soon realized the implications of the idea. Not that his opinion mattered, mind you, since Gendo was the commander and answered to no one, but a good manipulator is always observing those around him.

"Ok. I'm going home now."

And so he left. Thus Saitama ended Gendo's plans for instrumentality, set him on the path of redemption and generally made the world of Evangelion a happier place.

He also found a nail on his way back to his temporary apartment, whatever that means or symbolizes.

.

.

.

Omake:

Kaji liked to think that he was a good spy, or at least a decent to have been able to survive for so long while poking his nose in sensitive places. This cockiness lead to him opening a top-secret package meant for Gendo's eyes only.

And boy did he regret it. His expectations of documents relating to SEELE or Instrumentality were shattered, and instead he found nothing but mental scarring. The contents of the package included:

(1) pair of Divine Collection Aphrodite Self-Adhering Breast Forms

(1) Utimi Male Masturbation Cup Masturbator

Thoroughly traumatized, Kaji closed and resealed the package as quickly as possible and tried to unsee the contents of the package. Unfortunately for him, his mind kept conjuring an image of Gendo with prosthetic breasts masturbating into a fleshlight. God forbid if Fuyutsuki were to enter that picture.

.

From his office Gendo watched Kaji opening, closing and hurrying down to his office with the package. Kaji entered without bothering to knock and quickly dropped to package on his desk. Then he scurried out of the room like somebody farted on Taco Tuesday.

Gendo sat at his desk and smirked. The agent had long been due a lesson on snooping around in sensitive material. The only regrettable part of the whole debacle was the actual debacle itself. Kaji now knew of the contents in the package, ordering it was embarrassing enough as is, but for someone to actually learn of it was ten times worse. The sad part was that he actually needed what was in the package. How else was he going to have hot robo-sex with Yui?


	2. Woah, He's Ripped

As Saitama made his way back to his apartment, Gendo was realizing further implications of a robo-Yui. Specifically the prevention of Instrumentality, since it required a piloted Unit-1. Knowing, and not really caring about SEELE's possible reactions, Gendo made a footnote in his mind about this, since he had somehow forgotten that a major part of instrumentality hinged on Unit-1. This slight lapse in the mind is solely Gendo's, and is in no way related to the author at all. The sudden forgetfulness of Gendo's mind that is in no way the author accidentally overlooking a major plot point out of the way, the story picks up at the Katsuragi apartment.

When deciding on the housing of the newly appeared Saitama, Gendo decided to place him near the Katsuragi apartment as a guardian to the pilots. Why Gendo chose to put an unknown variable next to the two most important children on Earth, is possibly also a lapse of judgement on Gendo's part. Not the author's. Remember that kids, any plotholes are due to characters being dumb, and most certainly not the author's incompetence to think of a valid and reasonable excuse.

Explanations aside, certain amounts of exposition is necessary to give the reader a feel of life in the Katsuragi household with Saitama. He'd first been introduced to the Major's happy little family through his nose. His heightened sense caught a whiff of Shinji's cooking wafting over to his apartment and unable to resist the smell (and also free food) he invited himself in.

FFFFFFlashback time.

*Knocking Sounds*

Shinji: Coming!

*Opens Door*

Shinji: Hello. How can I help you?

Saitama: Hey kid. Can I come in?

Shinji: What?

Saitama: I'm your new neighbor.

*Misato Comes to the Door*

Misato: Who's this?

Shinji: Our new neighbor.

Saitama: I smelled the food and wanted to check it out.

Misato: Oh why didn't you say so? Our Shinji's a great cook. Come on in! By the way what's your name?

Saitama: It's Saitama. Oh, and I brought drinks.

*Indicates Bag of Red Bean Jelly Cider*

FFFFFFlashback end.

After the events displayed in the FFFFFFlashback, the occurrence of Saitama frequenting the Kuragatsi household gradually increased, much to the dismay of one Ryoji Kaji. Normally one as suave and roguish as Kaji would not normally feel as if he were in competition for the affections of the buxom Major Kuragatsi were it not for the physically impressive stature of Saitama, which brings us to a humorous anecdote that the author could find no other way to incorporate into the chapter.

FFFFFFlashback time. (Not the same format though)

'Twas a typical evening in the Kuragatsi apartment. Asuka sat in the living room, watching TV, Shinji was in his room, SDAT on, earbugs plugged in, the good Major was currently participating in a drinking competition with her penguin(the latter of which was winning), and Saitama had recently entered the apartment.

The resident hero made his merry way to the living room, intent on reading one of his manga's in the previously stated room.

Out of reflex, he took off his shirt and tossed it against the wall. Lying down onto the floor with a manga in hand, he began to read.

He'd barely opened the cover when a loud noise that is generally classified as a shriek sent its sound waves into his eardrums.

"You lecherous old pervert! Why is your shirt off?!" Screeched Asuka, though in nicer terms you could use the word 'cried.'

Then she paused and fully processed the sight before her. A shirtless Saitama lay before her, bare as the day he'd been expelled from his mother's birth canal. Waist up only though, because while Saitama was a hero for fun, he was not an exhibitionist for fun.

"You and Misato walk around in your underwear all the time," He responded, "why can't I take off my shirt?"

"That's different and you know it!"

Drawn by the noise, Misato drunkenly lumbered into the room.

"Whash all the fush abou- Oh my."

Before her eyes lay Saitama surprisingly well muscled upper body. Since he was so strong, it would make sense that he would have a reasonable amount of muscle to correlate with his strength, she reflected.

There are events in the universe so rare and improbable that they would likely never occur within recorded history, such as the planets of the solar system aligning to open the prison of several villains sealed away thousands of years ago whom would require four man-sized mutant turtles defeat, or the entrance of Ryoji Kaji right as Misato was viewing the considerable muscle mass of a hero for fun.

"Hey Misato, you want to get a drin- Saitama."

"Oh, hey Kaji."

"Put your shirt back on."

"Excuse me?"

"Kaji's jealous! The 'suave spy' is jealous of a bald dude! Hahahaha," laughed Misato, "Hey maybe I should starting dating Saitama! He's nice, got good abs, probably good in bed, and best of all, you can't even kill him!"

Observant readers may notice the alcohol caused speech impediment that could be heard earlier in Misato's voice had disappeared. This however, is not due to author incompetence. It is a well known fact that the well muscled upper bodies of bald men are a legitimate inducer of sobriety upon drunken women.**

"You if do I will find a way," promised Kaji.

Shinji, having somehow heard the commotion from his room with his earbuds in, sighed and dragged himself into the living room to see what all the fuss was about.

"What's going on? Why is Kaji here and why is Saitama shirtless?"

"I take it back," said Asuka, "Kaji is not the epitome of a man. Saitama is."

Inwardly Kaji winced. Although he might not reciprocate any of Asuka's advances in the romantic sector of social interactions, that one hurt his pride as a man.

"Take a good look at him, baka. This is what a real man looks like."

"Uh, that's nice and all, but could you not chase after me too? Heroes aren't supposed to be pedophiles."**

Shinji took in the situation and chose to perform his default response to Life, the Universe, and Everything Asuka did, which was to take it and sigh. Drawing in air to his perpetually sighing lungs, he let loose a mournful sigh and retreated back to his room.

Saitama, noticing his exit, told Asuka, "That wasn't very nice."

"Hmph. Why should I care about that baka's feelings?"

Saitama sighed. He'd have to do something about Asuka and Shinji. Maybe he could spend chapter 4 coming up with a plan or something. Not chapter 3 though, he has a meeting with Arael in chapter 3, with predictable results.

Gradually, all the excitement of the night died down. Saitama put his shirt back on, Asuka went to bed, Misato went drinking with Kaji, and the world kept on turning.

The End (of chapter 2. Wouldn't want you thinking that I was done with the entire story now, would I?)

.

*It is said that the baldness of a monk once attracted a particularly inebriated woman who took it upon herself to clean his head. Upon realizing the extent of her actions, her shame could be felt throughout the universe in all members of the female gender. From that day forward every woman had a subconscious implant within their mind that would stop them from performing hygienically questionable acts upon bald heads while drunk.

**Although Puri-Puri Prisoner was most assuredly a sex offender, but he was still S-class, much to the dismay of the other heroes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: How'd you like the FFFFFFlashbacks? I don't know why I chose the script format for the first one. I'm terrible with dialogue and that was just plain torture to me. Also, the pacing and transitioning was all over the place. The inclusion of footnotes are due to me recently reading Terry Pratchett. I find footnotes terribly amusing and decided to try some. Anyways, how'd you like this apple? Did you laugh? Did you snort? Did you smile? Did you die a little upon viewing this atrocity upon literature? Leave a review.


	3. Saitama vs Arael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's your semi-bi-annual dose of angel punching.

"What's taking him so long?" Complained Asuka, as whe waited for Saitama to arrive and perform his signature 'one punch' on the angel. At the current point of events Asuka and Rei* were mere formalities, standing by in their respective Eva's in case something were to drastically fail with Saitama and his angel-punching capabilities. Currently, the resident bald man was trapped within the confines of his toilet due to drinking milk that had exceeded its 'consume by' date. In hindsight, when milk is discounted at an 80% increment and sold at a seedy ghetto grocery store, it is usually a sign that the quality may be sub par to FDA standards.

As fate, or the big man upstairs, aka the guy with the keyboard, would have it, the aftereffects of the expired milk chose to make themselves apparent with the coinciding appearance of the 15th angel.

"Why can't I just go and kick the angel's ass?" Whined Asuka, who continued to complain.

Dr. Ritsuko opted for the textbook answer. "Because we are unsure of the angel's capabilities, and it is not displaying any signs of hostile activity while also remaining in orbit, outside of the range of our positron weapons, therefore the safest option is to wait for Saitama."

She said the word 'Saitama' with a slight edge, because his plan to create a cyborg Yui had dramatically derailed her fantasies of romance and Gendo Ikari, proving that, sometimes, it is impossible to please everyone.

"If the angel shows signs of attacking, or preparing an attack on the Geofront, you may engage. If it remains stationary, this may be a chance to see if Saitama's story of being kicked to the moon is true."

"Why do we have to wait for something I could do right now? You're supposed to be smart, have you ever heard of a preemptive strike?"

"I agree with the statement but the positron weapons simply do not have the range to hit it from your current position. So why don't you wait for someone who can?"

Asuka, fed up with letting a bald man in a cheap hero costume steal all her glory, and with her arguments proven wrong by irrefutable logic, reacted in the way most people of a hot-headed nature tend to react when proven wrong with no course of action to change it, in an unnecessary and often futile action that creates more problems and trouble, in that she decided to perform an incredibly unwise move, at least to everyone who knows where this is going, and raised her positron rifle and let off a few shots in frustration.

The angel, obviously unhappy about being fired upon and also in the dark on the human custom of 'warning shots,' responded in a manner similar to the aliens in the movie "Battleship." God that movie was awful. Seriously, you have a military drill that comes upon some alien ship and the dumbass brother of Shithead McGee aka the main character, decides that is a good idea to fire warning shots at an alien vessel, whom the crew have no understandings of human customs, much less even the idea of warning shots. They were in a war, presumably long and bloody, given the fact that they were looking to take over Earth, and as such would be extremely wary of hostilities and the idiot just decides, "Hur Dur Ima fire mah not-lasers-but-shittier-cannons at some FUCKING ALIENS WHO ARE MUCH MORE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED THAN MY SHITTY LITTLE SHIP THAT CANNOT EVEN ACHIEVE SPACEFLIGHT WITHOUT BEING LAUNCHED OUT OF A CANNON OR SOME OTHER SIMILAR SCENARIO. THESE ALIENS PROBABLY HAVE THE ABILITY TO SINK MY SHITTY-ASS SHIP LIKE A GROWN MAN SINKS A FIVE-YEAR OLD'S BATTLESHIP THAT'S IN A CORNER AND I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO OPENLY ENGAGE THEM BECAUSE THEY TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF 'WARNING SHOTS' AND TOTALLY WON'T REACT IN A NEGATIVE FASHION IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT WILL GET ME AND COUNTLESS OF MY MEN KILLED, WHO DID NOT SIGN FOR THIS SHIT. FIRE AWAY RETARDS! OH NO THEY DIDN'T TAKE IT AS A WARNING, BUT RATHER AS A SIGN OF HOSTILITIES. NOW THEY'RE FIRING IN RETURN AND NOW I'M DEAD." The End.

Terrible-movie rant aside, Asuka held down the trigger at the angel and poured out her bottled up emotions of frustration, anger, embarrassment and insecurity in the form of white-hot lead** at the angel. An ineffective endeavor, but a satisfying one nonetheless, because sometimes it can be relieving to release pent up stress through senseless and futile violence.

As the shells lay cooling against the earth, the angel responded.

Its wings folded up, and energy could be seen building up behind its wings, as if it were charging up for a beam attack. As it reached peak brightness, a terrible glow emanated from its body. Then, the angel unfurled its wings in a swift, fluid motion, revealing it's glowing core. The angel swung its wings forward and sent from it a terrible beam of light from the core and enveloped the Eva. Asuka's frustration shifted on the emotional spectrum from anger to uncertainty, as the angel made its move.

Those within the bridge of the GeoFront could only helplessly watch as the angel attacked Asuka. Tensions were mounting, not yet boiling because from their viewpoint, the angel appeared to be doing the equivalent of shining a flashlight on Unit-2.

Her vitals showed an increase in mental activity, assumed to be a response to the light.

Then, the screaming started.

Her brainwaves spiked with activity, accompanied by screams of raw terror and pain.

The bridge was instantly abuzz with activity, much like ants scurrying about in panic when a child decides to point a hose at the anthill, with various bridge techs shouting out bits of technical terms as general pandemonium enveloped the bridge.

Surprisingly, the loudest of them all was Shinji who had gotten to a mic and was trying to talk to Asuka, who responded with nothing but screams.

"Asuka! Asuka!" He cried, in futile vain.

"Stop! Get out of my head!"

As the angel's unholy light shone upon Asuka, her mental insides were aflame with turmoil. The inner seas of her mind were in the metaphorical equivalent of a hurricane, only there was no eye of the storm to provide temporary respite. Unending waves of terrible memories bashed upon her already unstable mental psyche.

A hospital room. The sounds of her father committing adultery in the next room. A doll, whispered words, each as painful as a noose tightening around her neck.

"Mama! Don't leave me!"

Misato was probably a close second to Shinji in terms of volume.

"Rei! Help Asuka!"

"Negative," commanded Gendo, "the angel is still out of range and she is needed to defend the GeoFront."

"But Sir!"

"We cannot risk our last operational pilot."

"Agh!" She cried in frustration, "someone get me Saitama now!"

"Look at me! I'm right here!"

Thankfully, he had taken his phone with him when to cleanse his bowels of the unholy presence of diarrhea.

"Hello?"

"Saitama! Get over here now!"

"What's going on?"

Just then, Asuka screamed again, loud enough to be heard in the background noise.

"Help me! Someone! Anyone!"

"I'm on my way."

Gone was the simple and nonchalant side of Saitama. The strongest hero was out for justice.

His intestinal problems scurried away like a rat who knows it is about to be exploded by a nuclear bomb, vaporizing every trace of it from the face of existence then pieced together from what pitiful atoms remained and forced to suffer the same ordeal over and over until the very basic foundations of its being splintered away into nothingness.

One minute later he was fully dressed in his heroic attire and at the door.

Ten seconds later he was midair and rapidly approaching the GeoFront.

One second later the calvary had arrived. Seeing Unit-2 and the angel that was assaulting it, Saitama spared no time leaping at the angel. With the air whistling from his speed and the world blurring around him, his fist cocked back, ready to deliver instantaneous death, Saitama flew at the angel.

One heartbeat later, he let fly his fist, with perhaps a little less restraint than necessary*** and shattered the AT field like brittle glass cracks and breaks, sending shards flying in every direction, in the face of a rock, and let the rest of his punch completely vaporize the angels core and surrounding body.

As he landed, the angel behind him exploded into a squall of gore, smoking chunks of angel falling from the sky and landing everywhere.

Connection severed, the storm in Asuka's mind sputtered and faded away, but the damage had been done. The Eva fell backwards, crushing trees underneath it and shaking the earth as Asuka lost control and lay in her cockpit, sobbing uncontrollably.

Under normal circumstances, this is when the foe lies face first on the ground, gaping hole in their abdomen and Saitama stands around with a simple, dense look on his face. Saitama, however, knew that this was a different occasion. Even if he was not personally familiar with Asuka's past, her cries told of excessive trauma during childhood.

The worst was yet to come and the current situation was only a temporary reprieve, and eye in the storm.

*Shinji, however, was told that his Eva-unit was currently undergoing modifications, and as such, would be unavailable for piloting. Mostly because Gendo was performing 'experiments' in the cockpit of his Eva-unit, If you understand the context of which I am referring to in this scenario.

**It probably wasn't lead that made up the composition of the positron rifle rounds, but rather something sciency like magnesium-infused depleted uranium, but neither of the Eva-wikis actually specify the round type, so apologies to the gun-lovers among the readers.

***Most people tend to try and exert more force when punching. Saitama, however, was so strong that he had to constantly restrain himself whenever he punched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Originally, I was planning on something silly, like Arael tries to mindrape Saitama and can only show him a scene of missing some kind of sale and exploding from the sheer stupidity of it. Then I realized that it ain't Angstvangelion without any Asuka-angst and went with this. Expect the next chapter sometime next year.


	4. The Prologue after the First Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I wasn't going to bother with a prologue. Pretty much every crossover story where Saitama changes universes all use the same cliche idea. A: Saitama fights a monster. B: Said monster can do stuff with portals. C: Saitama punches the monster but goes through a portal and ends up in a new universe. When I wrote the very first chapter, I deliberately chose to not include a backstory for how Saitama got into the Eva universe. Then, a while back, I came up with the idea for this chapter. It was actually written and posted a few months ago on ff.net, but as it turns out, trying to upload a prologue after the first chapter is a bad idea. After some messing around, I managed to do it and also decided to not post it here because it'd be even more work. Now, there's probably an easier way to do it, but I don't know it so have a prologue of the story after chapter one of the story.

Another day, another monster. Saitama sighed, or rather he would have if he hadn't felt too lazy to actually perform the action of exhaling with more force than that deemed normal of an exhalation of the referred person.

'Twas a hot summer day, the kind in which the temperature is so unbearably heated that everything appears to be stagnant through the relativistic eyes of the viewer. When small businesses such as one of many barbershops located on sides of town are ventilated by a single fan. The owners of such establishments sit fanning themselves as they wait for those of sub-par intelligence, otherwise known as 'tourists' to enter the premises and squander larges amounts of the local currency for overpriced, low quality goods that break within a single week of purchase. This makes sense too, because the only likely customers are tourists. All the locals have already retreated to, or perhaps, never left their buildings of dwelling. The tourists that walk the streets have not applied adequate amounts of sunblock, so when locals peer out the window, they smile at those poor deluded fools furthering their inevitable demise into skin cancer. Flies buzz amok because the inhabitants of wherever flies buzz amok are too hot and lazy to bother with raising a swatter.

It was on such a day that Saitama stood facing a notably annoying monster.

"I am Idiotic Crossover OC McGee! I was given life by millions of slightly overweight to overweight teenage girls with dyed hair, little to no friends, terrible academic skills and an unhealthy tendency to block out reality and escape into poorly written and completely illogical fantasy! Okay fine, maybe that's a little offensive and stereotypical, but seriously, have you seen the Harry Potter section? Sort by hits, choose explicit rating, M/M for relationships and prepare to be scarred for life. Unless you actually get off to that shit. Then I have no words for you."

What was with this guy? He seriously reminded Saitama of that Hybridization of a Dark Push Board guy of whatever.

"I am formed of the filthiest imaginings of Harry Potter and Naruto going into other universes such as that of Calvin and Hobbes and performing the most deranged acts of a sexual manner on Calvin, involving, but not limited to, taking his-"

That guy had punched out his tooth. Sure, it had been falling into a state of disrepair and causing him pain due to a lack of proper dental hygiene, and would have fallen out at a later date anyways, but still, that was his tooth!

"-and that's how they left Calvin a jizz-soaked mess, sobbing incoherently for his tiger Hobbes!"

He'd got the tooth replaced later, at a heavy cost to his purse* and wait a minute, wasn't Calvin supposed to be a child? And these Harry Potter and Naruto guys violated him like THAT?! He'd have to pay a visit to those two in the future to teach them a lesson about touching little boys in their 'no-no squares.'

"And now it's your turn to experience it!"

Okay, enough was enough. It was time to end this guy. There were bystanders around, and if he was to judge by their facial expressions, this guy was seriously disturbing public peace. Time to be a hero.

There are only a few words that could be used to describe Saitama's next action. Mostly because he really didn't do that much. He just kinda cocked his fist back and swung.

And that's how Idiotic Crossover OC McGee was turned into a pile of blood and flesh.

But wait! There's more! Billy Mays here with an amazing deal! Introducing the all new "Rest of the Story!" If you order now you can receive the rest of the story absolutely free! But wait! There's more! If you call now you we'll double the offer, letting you read the Rest of the Story twice! At no extra cost! Just call the toll free number listed below:  
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We Now Resume Your Regularly Scheduled Program.

Due to his poorly written nature, combined with innate traits of Mary Sue-ness, he somehow managed to summon a portal right under Saitama's feet. The hero, not expecting the action, fell through the ground. Into the portal he went, seriously annoyed to be missing another sale.

Hero gone, the portal winked out of existence behind him, leaving only the remnants of a punched monster.

...

On the other end another portal blinked into existence. Out popped Saitama. Looking around at the unfamiliar scenery, he sighed, his thoughts filled with questions. Now what was he supposed to do? Where even was he? Would he ever get to another sale in his life without being interrupted by inconvenient monster appearances? Find out literally next episode of OPMZ. (Not really)

Suddenly, a loud siren interrupted his musings. Looking around, he noticed something in the sky. A rather large something. You could call it a giant floating eye, in the same way that Deep Sea King was just a large fish, but that would inaccurate to most perceptions of the subject.

Whatever the eye thing was, it looked as if it was going to fall on him. Pushing away a Serious Series: Serious Deja Vu, Saitama did what he did to the meteor.

He jumped and punched it.

...

Several miles away, a pyramid full of people watched in disbelief as Sahaquiel suddenly exploded.

Upon reviewing video footage, it was determined that some bald man had broken multiple laws of gravity, physics and things a human body was generally capable of doing.

Upon further investigation, Nerv agents located the bald man shown in surveillance footage and brought him to the GeoFront.

The first question they asked the man happened to be: "What did you do to the angel?"

The bored answer: "I punched it."

The response: "You cannot just punch the angels."

Roll Credits.

*Forcing him to miss quite a few sales, and dine on Top Ramen for seven nights a week for several months.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been following the story since its conception, you'll probably have noticed that the summary tends to change. A lot. Hopefully this one will be the last, but it probably won't. However, if you think you have a good idea for a summary, don't hesitate to send it to me. Even though it's probably going to be shit. No offense and also offense at the same time, because most you don't have any literary talent at all. That includes you, Reasonably Firm Eggs. On a side note, I think adding in humorous tangents during the serious parts may have ruined this one tone-wise. Oh well.

For the fifth time this week, Shinji knocked on her door. He was not looking forward to this. After the 'incident' with the fifteenth angel, Asuka had... been on a hair trigger to say the least, if you wished to quantify 'least' by attaseconds. Prone to explode at the slightest offense, real or imagined, it was like walking through a minefield with a density of ten landmines per meter, otherwise abbreviated as 10 lm/m, these days.

Him and Misato had been taking turns in notifying Asuka of mealtimes, usually by knocking on her door, since that was where she spent the majority of her post angel experience time.

"Asuka," Shinji timidly called, "it's dinnertime."

"Go away."

Shinji let out the breath he'd been holding. She hadn't screamed. That was good. He liked it when she didn't scream. No, that's not an allusion to rape and sexual assault. Get your mind out of the gutter.

With her unpredictable outbursts, life, if it could be personified as a person, in the apartment moved like it was treading on thin ice, arctic ice during the season of early summer that melts and cracks and drifts away, stranding unfortunate polars bears who do not manage to cross it in time to follow the migration of seals.

The winds of change had blown through the apartment, and they weren't the pleasant summer breezes of childhood.

Misato had been drinking more, coming home from work later and sleeping less. The bags under her eyes were comparable in size to those of a rich white girl's shopping bags on her sixteenth birthday. Whenever she wasn't sleeping, her usual state was of being was of drunkenness.

Shinji found himself drowning the world out with his SDAT more and more frequently. He spoke less, ate little and constantly felt tired. If Shinji had seen a shrink, he would have been diagnosed with an early onset of depression.

Asuka hated everything, constantly at odds with everyone in her life, verbally and physically attacking anyone who earned her ire, deserved or not. "I hate you!" became a common part of her vocabulary. He'd learned to duck when she started throwing things. Sure, it infuriated her more and widened the already gaping chasm dividing them, but it was better than being hit in the face with a plateful of food.

Yet there was still one thing, one unbelievable thing that went against every other behavior Asuka exhibited. Crying. Asuka was crying. Shinji could hear her, at night, crying and calling out. He tried to ignore her, replace the sound of her cries with the sound of a piano, but every time he reached for his SDAT she seemed to cry harder. Every sob tore at his heart, every tear he couldn't see, yet also somehow knew was rolling down her cheek, pulled at his stomach. She tried to be quiet, but their rooms were next to each other and with the walls separating them being paper-thin, he could hear what she cried.

Mama seemed to be a recurring theme, leading Shinji to think that they were more alike then they thought.

Saitama perhaps, was the only one who remained unchanged. He still came over every night for dinner and afterwards would shed his shirt, lay in the living room, and read a manga. It seemed fitting to Shinji. Saitama was like a bedrock boulder. Strong, dull and unchanging, steadfast and untouched by the forces of erosion.

In a way, Shinji was glad that Asuka stayed in her room. Saitama's indifference and bored attitude would only have served to antagonize her further.

So this unhealthy cycle continued, driving apart the family that once lived and laughed under the apartment roof. Day after day, week after week, bonds built over angels slain and baka's pained slowly frayed to the seams and tore apart.

After yet another subdued and quiet dinner, one missing a certain female pilot, Saitama finally decided to do something.

As Shinji took the plates to the kitchen sink for cleaning, Saitama brought up the elephant in the room, or maybe the one in her room, if you wanted to be rude and lose your testicles due to sustained impacts from the offended's foot.

"What's wrong with Asuka?"

In the kitchen, Shinji abruptly stopped washing dishes. He looked to the direction of the table and strained his ears to listen.

Misato stopped drinking her tenth bottle of beer and looked at him. Then she brought the bottle back up to her mouth and resumed drinking.

Saitama responded by cocking his head with an inquisitive look.

She finished off the bottle and placed it onto the table.

"She had a... troubled childhood."

Saitama made no indication that he intended to reply, and Misato would have been perfectly happy to have left it at that, but the silence was awkward to the point where she felt obligated to say something to fill it. Combined with his unwavering and unchanging gaze, Misato felt like she had to keep talking or lest the silence would swallow the world whole and the guardians fall, freeing the Banished Ones to return and destroy humanity.*

"Her mother committed suicide when she was young. She doesn't like to talk about it"

Shinji gasped at the revelation. Saitama kept on staring at her. She decided grab another beer and open it. Saitama kept on staring at her. She began to take giant gulps that were more fit for swallowing a certain body fluid than actually drinking a beer, and Misato would know given her college history. Saitama kept on staring at her. Misato finished the beer and added it to the growing collection of bottles on the table. Saitama kept on staring at her. Misato fidgeted with a bottle cap before sighing.

"Look, it's not my place to say anything. If you want to know more you'd have to ask her."

"But you just said she doesn't like to talk about it."

"That's your problem, not mine."

Saitama frowned. Misato chose the moment to leave the table and retreat into her room, where most of the stronger stuff was kept, away for the thieving flippers of Pen-Pen. Saitama sat at the table for a while and kept on frowning.

"Erm... Saitama?"

"Huh what- oh sorry. I was thinking."

"So, uh..." The conversation was getting awkward. For Shinji, at least. Saitama probably wasn't even capable of feeling awkward.

"Don't mind me. I'm just leaving." And he pushed his chair back and stood up. Turning around and walking towards the door, Saitama left Shinji behind at the table.

"Wait!"

"Yes?"

"Are you going to help Asuka?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"I dunno."

Shinji wasn't really sure how to respond to that. He didn't have to actually, because Saitama left without waiting for a response. Sighing, Shinji returned to the table and began clearing away the bottles that Misato had left behind.

* * *

**Access Denied.**

"Please?"

**Access Denied.**

"Pretty please?"

**Access Denied.**

Saitama shrugged to himself. Gendo must have changed the something about the Magi after he had brought up the idea of downsizing the Eva's.

When Saitama had left Misato's apartment the night before, he had been thinking of who might tell him more about Asuka's past. He'd just walked past a Section-3 sniper, pausing to wave at the man, when it hit him. Gendo probably knew what happened.

But then again, he probably wouldn't be able to actually talk to him, because one morning Ritsuko had come out of her lab and announced that the 'modifications' were done. Gendo had raced into her lab faster than a gypsy on the run.

That's a little redundant.

But since then, he had not exited the room and anyone who tried to enter would find the door locked, barred from the other side and welded shut.

Screams, cries, grunts and every other manner of loud vowel sounds had been coming from the room in an almost scheduled manner, like a school bell. If Nerv were to issue memos using the screams as a means of measuring time periods, the schedule would look a lot like this:

* * *

**8:00 am, The Screaming Starts  
\- ** Arrive at work and check in.

 **8:05 am, The Screaming Continues  
** \- Shift 1 begins. Proceed to assigned morning activities. Example include, patrol, security detail, lab assistance, pilot detail, etc.

 **10:00 am, The Screaming Stops**  
\- Shift 1 over. Proceed to Shift 2 activities. See above for example activities.

 **12:00 pm, The Screaming Starts Again  
** \- Shift 2 over. Lunch Break. Employees are not allowed to leave the GeoFront premises without express permission from a supervisor. If in need of lunch, food may be purchased at the cafeteria.

 **1:00 pm, The Screaming Stops  
\- ** Lunch break over. Nap time. Nerv-issue Eva plushies are available for purchase for those who want a snuggle buddy. Body pillows made in the likeliness of the pilots may be purchased at the Nerv gift shop at a higher price.** All employees are _required_ to nap during nap time. Those who refuse will be forced to listen to Shinji whine about not wanting to pilot for two hours straight.

 **2:00 pm, The Screaming Starts  
** \- Nap time over. Proceed to designated Shift 3 activities.

 **4:00 pm, The Screaming Stops  
** \- Shift 3 over. Snack time. Again, if in need of snacks, food is purchasable at the cafeteria or one of the many vending machines located around the GeoFront.

 **4:30 pm, The Screaming Starts  
** \- Snack time over. Proceed to designated Shift 4 activities.

 **6:30 pm, The Screaming Stops  
** \- Shift 4 over. End of workday. Unless assigned overtime activities, e.g. lab assistant, data analysis, etc, employees are now allowed to return home.

* * *

Unsure of what to do next, Saitama simply stood next to the Magi terminal, waiting for a metaphorical light bulb to be lit up by the reflection of sun or other light upon his bald head. He stood there for a while, at least long enough for cleaning crews to decide to risk it and mop the floor around his feet rather than ask him to move, because they were all terrified of him for some reason. Probably because he punched an angel.

Sometime before Shift 3, yet also after nap time, Kaji wandered through the halls and into him remaining vigilant at the terminal, like some lone guardsmen standing watch against the night.

"Oh, hey. What are you doing here?"

"Hmm? Oh, hi Kaji."

"Looks like you're trying to get into the Magi."

"Yeah. It worked a few weeks ago, but now it doesn't."

Kaji wracked his brain, trying to think of a time when Saitama would have actually had access to the Magi. His brain shrugged at him and told him that insofar as it knew, Saitama ad never been granted access.

"When was this?"

"When I told Gendo that he should turn the Eva's into cyborgs."

Ohhh yeah, that day. He'd hacked into the Magi that day to try and dig deeper for more about the nature of the Eva's, Second Impact and Adam. He must have forgotten to log out or something.

"Hey, Saitama," he said in a quieter tone.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret. But you can't tell anyone, got it?"

"Okay."

"When you got into the Magi, I had been using it before you. I think I forgot to logout or something."

"Oh. That explains it."

"Why were you even trying to access the Magi in the first place?"

"I wanted to know more about Asuka's past."

Kaji inwardly cringed. Did Saitama want to kick a nuclear fallout radiated giant mutant Bullet Ant nest?

"That's a touchy subject."

"I know. Misato already said that."

"Why do you even want to know?"

"Because I'm a hero."

"That's a terrible reason."

"No it's not. I'm a hero. I help people. Asuka needs help."

Kaji sighed. "Fine, I'll humor you. Do you have a degree in psychology, therapy and counseling?"

"No."

"Do you have any firsthand experience with what she's gone through that might make you more approachable in talking about her past?"

"No."

"Then what makes you think you can help her? God knows she's had too many shrinks already."

"I'll find a way. Heroes always do."

Kaji gave up. It might as well have been like arguing with a cement wall. Useless, dumb and a drain of sanity.

"Alright, fine. What did Misato tell you?"

"She told me Asuka's mom killed herself."

"That's all?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, if I'm going to tell you the whole story, you'll need a bit of background information. You know how Shinji doesn't have a mother?"

"You mean Misato's not his mom?"

"No! Of course not! Although I do see why you might think that given her... . But anyways, Shinji lost his mother in the first activation test of Unit-3. She got into the cockpit, they started up the process and then she vanished. Absorbed into the Eva. Left nothing behind except for her clothes."

"Ah, so that's why she was in the Eva in the first place."

"What?"

Quickly remembering that the existence of the mother's souls inside the Evas was supposed to be highly classified information, Saitama tried to change the subject.

"N-nothing. I didn't say anything at all. Please continue."

Internally raising an eyebrow, Kaji set aside that careless statement and filed it in his mental drawer of things to investigate later.

"Alright then, continuing. In order to prevent the same thing from happening at the Unit-2 activation test they added additional safeguards to prevent absorption. It worked, but only partially. Asuka's mother, Kyoko wasn't absorbed, but she left the Eva... changed in a manner of speaking. She stopped recognizing Asuka as her daughter and mistook one of her dolls for her. Asuka, being four at the time, didn't understand what was happening. It didn't help that her father started cheating on her mother with one of the nurses who worked in the hospital that Kyoko was hospitalized at. It was so bad that one time they did 'it' in a place where Asuka could hear. Due to her mother ignoring her and her father busy with another woman, Asuka had no one to turn to. This probably caused some abandonment issues on her part."

As Kaji spoke, Saitama was carefully analyzing Asuka's past and what he could use to help her, that is to say, only half paying attention and spending the other half of his thoughts on what sales were currently going on in the supermarkets around Tokyo-3. He really didn't want to seem insensitive, but Kaji simply kept droning on.

"Then, a year later after Unit-2's first activation test, Asuka was accepted by Nerv as a pilot. She probably felt elated, on cloud nine if you will, and she ran to her mother's room to tell her the news, possibly hoping that it would make her acknowledge Asuka as her real daughter again. Unfortunately, it was also the day Kyoko hung herself. Asuka was the first to find her, hanging there from a ceiling light. Forensics identified that she had committed suicide several hours earlier, so her body was bloated, eyes bulging out and skin pale, like Rei's, which is a possible cause of Asuka's dislike for her. And then, just when it couldn't get any worse, Kyoko chose to hang the doll with her. Asuka never really told me anything about it, but you can see the symbolical nature of the action- even in death Kyoko spurns her."

Kaji paused to let his speech sink in.

"So, what do you plan to do Saitama?"

Internally Saitama was sweating bullets. _Crap,_ he thought. _I wasn't listening at all! What am I supposed to say now?_

Struggling, he managed to get out only a single sentence.

"Summarize what you just said. 20 words or less."

Kaji frowned at him, clearly annoyed, but he spoke regardless.

"Asuka's mother went insane. She mistook one of her dolls for Asuka. Then she killed herself. And Asuka found her. 20 words, you got it?"

"Yes."

Internally, Saitama let out a sigh of relief. _Whew. Almost messed up there._

"Well?"

"I'll think about it."

"Hmph. Figures."

Kaji walked off, leaving Saitama to plan his next move.

* * *

Thought paths are a funny thing. They can go from thinking about what next to eat to wondering who your favorite fanfiction writer is. (Hint: It should be me.)

Saitama's thought path, for added visual effect went a little like this:

Asuka--> Problems--> Lack of parents--> Genos--> Tell Asuka about Genos--> Wait how am I supposed to relate Genos to Asuka?--> Think about it after the sale

By the time Saitama finished purchasing goods and services at the supermarket sale, the sundial was displaying a longer shadow and the sun was touching the horizon. Hurrying home, Saitama's brain chose that moment to remember that he still needed to somehow help Asuka. Instead of breaking into a cold sweat, in a feat of remarkable foresight and planning, Saitama chose to ignore the problem and deal with it tomorrow.

He reached the apartment complex, climbed the stairs and knocked on the door to Misato's apartment. Shinji opened it and let him in, returning to the kitchen just as quickly as he came.

Saitama set some of the bags he brought with him on the living room floor and moved to the TV stand to get the remote. Turning on the telly, he sat upon the couch and began to browse the channels.

"Hi! Billy Mays here-"

_click_

"Well Rob, I think the geopolitical structure of South Sudan following the Second Impact is-"

_click_

" **Why did you say that name?!** "

_click_

"Omae wa mou shindeiru"

_nani?_

"Tonight, on Masterchef Kitchen-"

_click_

"Hey there-"

_click_

"And tonight-"

_click_

"Do you or someone you know suffer from clinical depression, parental abandonment issue, anger issues, or traumatic mental events?"

_Yes._

"Are you struggling to find help and comfort for yourself or your loved ones?"

_Yes._

"Well, all your concerns and problems can now be solved by watching these following cases on: Doctor Phil."

_Well that's helpful._

And thus Saitama spent the rest of the evening before dinner watching Doctor Phil.

* * *

By the time dinner rolled around, Saitama was a veritable expert in the exploiting and humiliating the mentally ill and the actually in need of professional help through dramatized and often unhelpful ways to boost ratings and money.

When Shinji called "Dinner!" Saitama turned off the TV, confident that with a few more episodes of Doctor Phil, he would be able to effectively treat Asuka through therapeutic and psychological means.

Walking into the kitchen, Saitama pulled back a chair sat down, ready to devour whatever delicious food Shinji had made to today. As usual, Asuka did not seem to be in the mood of gracing the lowly kitchen and humble Chef Ikari with her presence.

Misato slunk into the room, beer cans in hand, evidently prepared to drink her way through the night.

Shinji carefully stepped over to the table, arms laden with plates and bowls of food. Setting them down, Shinji took off his apron and sat down. The odd family of unrelated people connected by a single circumstance, minus one member, dug into the food, because even if times were rough the food remained good, and in times of trying people needed to find comfort where they could.

They sat in quietness, broken only by the clinking of utensils and the chewing of food.

It could have been another night in the Katsuragi household in recent memory, one of silence and absence, an empty void where a vibrant fire of a person used to occupy.

It wasn't

It could have been the night where Asuka finally left her room and declared to the world: "I am Asuka Motherfucking Langley Sorhyu and I can do goddamn anything!" And everything would have been made alright again.

It wasn't.

It could have been the night where Misato drunkenly recreated the Great College Orgy of '02 that involved a several highschool freshmen and a washed up Costa Rican fisherman and would have most certainly led her arrest for pedophilia if the responding officers hadn't been dragged into the orgy.

It wasn't.

Instead, it was the night of change. A night of bandages ripped aside, of healing finally beginning, of a family coming together.

And it all started with Shinji.

Halfway through, Shinji mustered up the courage to speak.

"Saitama-san?"

Saitama stopped eating in order to swallow and respond.

"Yeah?"

"Are you ready to help Asuka?"

Saitama paused and prepared himself to let the young man down, giving some excuse like he required more time or whatnot, but fate intervened, and as Saitama began to shake his head, his eyes met Shinji's. It was basic knowledge that Shinji had 'stupid puppy dog' eyes, and if you were unaware, than Asuka loudly complaining about it her daily gripes would have informed you to it.

Until that moment, Saitama had never understood what she meant, but looking into Shinji's chocolate brown eyes, Saitama developed the strong impression of a hopeful yet sad puppy looking up at him, to which his heart could not bear to say no to. How on earth could Asuka ever be so cruel to someone who looked so much like a homeless puppy, shivering in dark alleyways on cold, raining winter nights.

"... Yes."

Shinji smiled, and it was like the whole world smiled with him. The dark night outside seemed to abate, and the lights in the room shined brighter than ever. If he was a Disney princess surely sparkles and glitter would rain down around him. Saitama was seriously disturbed by his ability to look so happy with just a single smile.

"That's great! Thank you, Saitama-san!"

"Yeah. Sure"

But Shinji was too happy to notice Saitama's peculiar voice.

Misato, on the other end of the table, watched the exchange with interest. Could Saitama succeed where so many others had failed in the task of comforting and helping Asuka move on?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.

Psyche!

The chapter ain't over yet.

At the end of dinner Saitama got up from the table and prepared to disappoint Shinji.

Shinji, on the other hand, looked to Saitama with hope and reverence. Here was a hero, one who made it so that Shinji would never have to pilot the Eva again, one who somehow changed his father to a friendlier and more approachable man, and one who soon, would enter Asuka's room and heal her of all pains and troubles.

Misato mentally wished him luck as she watched him leave.

Saitama stepped away from the table and toward Asuka's room, each step like a ringing gong, signifying the hour of his demise to Saitama.

Coming up to the door of Asuka's room, Saitama braced himself. Then he knocked.

* * *

Asuka didn't respond.

"Asuka?"

Still not response.

"Hey, are you awake?"

Panic suddenly seized him when he remembered that Asuka's mother committed suicide. He pushed aside the door and burst into the room.

Asuka lay on her bed staring up into the ceiling. She sat up to look at him.

"What." Her voice sounded was dead and uncaring.

"Why didn't you answer?"

"Because I was hoping that you would go away if I didn't say anything."

There was an odd edge to her voice, and upon closer inspection, Saitama noticed that her eyes were red and the area around them were slightly crusted.

"Were you crying?"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm Asuka Langley Sorhyu and I don't fucking cry!"

Saitama held up his hands in a placating gesture.

"Sorry, sorry."

"Don't fucking apologize!"

Unsure of what to say, Saitama resorted to his default response.

"Okay."

Saitama sighed. The trainwreck was starting.

"What do you want."

"To talk to you."

"Aren't you doing that now."

Unfazed by her hostility, Saitama sat down next to her on her bed.

"You're supposed to ask first."

"Sor- Okay."

Asuka let out a toneless laugh. "Hah. At least you learn. Baka Shinji never does. Now what do you want?"

"To help you."

"How are you going to do _that_?"

"By talking to you."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with me so you can go away now."

"Yes there is."

"No there isn't."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Kaji told me about your mother."

"No. Wait what?"

"Kaji told me what happened to your mother."

Her tone shifted slightly. "You mean how she was a crazy bitch and killed herself?"

"That's not a nice way to talk about your mother."

"Yes it is. It's true and she deserved it. She deserved everything she got. She was stupid and blind and dumb and crazy and she deserved to die because of it. She was nothing. She was worthless. The only thing she was was a failed pilot that sat in the cockpit and she screwed it all up by going insane. She was a nutcase. That stupid doll was proof. And-and I don't need her. I never needed her. I stopped needing her when... when she stopped being my mother."

Somewhere inside Asuka there was a lone mirror enveloped in darkness. Before it was Asuka, who stood there unmoving, watching her own reflection. Over the years many things had come and chipped at the mirror, the sides were dented and the glass was scratched, but the mirror held and Asuka could continue to see the strong and fierce girl in the reflection that she didn't feel she was, and months ago the angel left its own mark on the mirror, an ugly crack zigzagging and running diagonally through the side of the mirror. The crack weakened the mirror, soon shards were falling out and the internal Asuka's reflection became ugly and distorted, a way reflective of how she saw herself in the physical world. Now Saitama had come along and punched the mirror, a fist straight in the center that created more cracks that rapidly spread outward until the mirror itself shattered and Asuka was left with nothing but the darkness.

In the physical world there was reflecting effect.

A solitary tear leaked from her eye and traced its way down her cheek, like a pencil on paper. When it reached her chin it coagulated for a second before dropping off. It hit the bed and left a dark spot on the sheet, almost like an artillery shells leaves a hole in the target. The dark spot was soon joined by another. And another. And another. Now the tears came rolling down, like rain, each fat drop sliding and falling, becoming a stain on the blanket. Her breathes came erratically and her body shook with sobs.

"Hey, hey. Don't cry."

Saitama awkwardly put his arms around the crying girl and did his best to comfort her.

"Everything's going to be alright. You don't need to cry."

Like an occurrence of reverse psychology, Asuka did the complete opposite and cried even harder.

"Nothing's alright. Everything's terrible. I'm worthless. I can't pilot. Everyone hates me and no one cares about me!"

Now Saitama was panicking. Shinji would guaranteed hear her for sure, and then his credibility as a hero to him would be gone for sure. Suddenly, he was struck by inspiration.

"Hey, let's go to the balcony. The fresh air would do you some good."

Pulling up an unresistant Asuka, Saitama led the girl out of her room and onto the balcony.

He opened the balcony door and led her into the warm summer night.

He leaned onto the balcony railing and Asuka followed suit.

"Okay. What do you think is the problem?"

"I'm worthless, that's the problem. I can't pilot anymore and without the Eva, I have nothing. I put my whole life into piloting. That was the only reason anyone put up with me. The only reason anyone cared about me."

She choked out a sob.

"And now it's gone."

Saitama looked out into the night and sighed.

"Have I ever told you about Genos?"

"Who's that?"

"My cyborg apprentice."

Asuka was so confused by the information that she temporarily forgot that she was sad.

"What?"

"Never mind. What I wanted to do was tell you about him."

"How is he supposed to relate to me?"

"Well, when I first met Genos, he had nothing, did nothing but kill monsters. Like you. Genos was determined to become stronger, to be better than everyone so he could defeat the cyborg that slaughtered his village."

"What cyborg?"

"The one that slaughtered his village."

"You already said that."

"So why did you ask me to repeat it?"

"Never mind, continue."

"When I met him, he was more machine than man, and he was only nineteen. You are younger than Genos, you may have suffered, but not as much as Genos. Genos, after he became my disciple, realized there was more to life than his original purpose. When he started fighting monsters, he focused his abilities and body solely on destruction and offense. Under my tutelage he realized that there were some limits to his strength that he could not reach by upgrades alone. He needed to pursue other methods to gain strength. Just like he realized there was more to strength than just training or upgrading your body, you too must realize that there is more to life than Eva and that there are people in life who care about you."

Saitama really didn't know what he was saying at this point and it really didn't have a clear or concise point, but Asuka seemed to buy it, because she was silent for a while.

The two stood there on the balcony as life passed by on a hot summer's night, as a cool breeze flew in and blew Asuka's hair to one side, giving her a look of deep thought, as crickets chirped in the night.

"Are there really people who care about me?"

"Sure."

"Who?"

"Me."

"You?"

"Sure. I wouldn't be here talking to you if I didn't, would I?"

"You're just one person."

"There's Misato and Kaji."

"Misato only cares because I'm a pilot she can use in her quest to kill all the angels. Kaji doesn't notice me."

Saitama remained silent for a moment, deciding whether he should or should not say the next name. In the end he decided that it would probably be more beneficial if he said it.

"Shinji cares."

"Shinji..." Asuka said, her voice lost in thought. "Why would Shinji care about me? All I've done to him is yell and hurt him."

"But he still cares about you. He makes you food every day."

"He makes everyone food every day."

"Sometimes he does it specifically for you. Like that morning when he made pancakes."

"Why? Why would he? I've been nothing but a bitch to him."

"Because he likes you."

"He does?" She said, her voice containing a trace of longing and hopefulness, which she quashed with her next words. "No. He doesn't. He only does it because he feels sorry for me."

"Maybe he feels both."

"... No. It's only pity."

"Why?"

"I kissed him once."

An inquisitive look appeared on Saitama's face.

"When?"

"A little while after the Eleventh Angel."

Saitama said nothing, and Asuka took it as a cue to continue.

"I kissed him. I kissed him and he didn't even respond. He didn't hold me. He didn't even close his eyes. He just stood there, like he didn't care and was just humoring me with the kiss. And he ended it first."

Saitama raised an eyebrow.

"... I might have been pinching his nose."

"I think he needed to breath when he broke off."

"Oh. That would make sense."

"And he didn't hold you because of how surprised he was."

"Why would he be surprised? I told him I was going to kiss him. I pinched his nose, brought my face up to his, and he was surprised?"

"How many people have you kissed since arriving in Japan?"

"One."

Saitama cocked his head and made a facial expression whose meaning soon became apparent to Asuka.

"Oh."

"Have you done any pranks to him involving kissing or other similar things."

"... Yes."

"So?"

"I should kiss him again?"

"Maybe. If you want to. It's what Asuka Langley Sorhyu, the amazing Second Child, Pilot of Unit-2 who can do anything she wants because she's Asuka Langley Sorhyu would do, right?" God, that sounded corny as hell, but Asuka seemed to suck it up.

"Yeah. Yeah, it is what I would do, because I'm the great Asuka Langley Sorhyu, and a single measly angel isn't going to defeat me so easily!"

"There you go," said Saitama, trying to rein in the fire now that it was burning again, "now let's go back inside."

But the fire had started, and Asuka was on a roll.

"You think you can traumatize me?!" She screamed into the night. "I'm the Second Child! I eat angels for breakfast! Knock me down and I'll get up even stronger than ever! In fact, I'm going to go inside right now and show you what I think of your pathetic attempt to hurt me!"

Throwing aside the balcony door, Asuka marched inside.

...

Shinji had long ago finished washing the dishes. He'd heard Saitama followed by a crying Asuka leave her room and go out onto the balcony. After that he went into the living room to pretend to watch TV so he could listen in on the conversation, but upon sitting down he realized that he didn't have the heart to eavesdrop on Asuka while she was baring her heart to Saitama.

He was sitting there, mindlessly flicking through the channels, waiting for the two to stop talking so he could see what the Strongest Hero had done to comfort Asuka and her troubled past.

He was not expecting Asuka to come barreling in and forcefully pull him up from the couch by the arm.

"Agh! Asuka, what are you doing?"

"Shut up and follow me."

She dragged him into the hallway and into her room and slammed the door closed. Shinji's muffled voice could be heard from inside.

"Asuka, what-"

"Shut up, hold me, and kiss me, baka."

"Wha- mmph"

For a second the sound of teenagers kissing could be heard.

"I said hold me, baka!"

"S-sorry."

"Shut up and hold me!"

"Y-yes ma'am."

"There. Was that so hard?"

"Asuka, I'm so confus-"

"Shh. Don't ruin the mood baka."

"Sorry- mmph"

Saitama returned to the insides of the apartment just in time to hear two teenagers making out, with Misato standing outside their door.

"Congratulations. I really didn't think you could do it."

"Thanks? Wait, why are you standing right next to the door? Do you get off on this or something?"

"What?! No! I'm just making sure they don't take it too far!"

And them a moan came from inside the room.

"Okay, that's it. I'm going in!"

Sighing, Saitama turned around and walked towards the door. Life had returned to normal in the Katsuragi household.

"OH HELL NO, YOU TWO WILL NOT BE ENGAGING IN ANY SORT OF HANKY-PANKY UNDER MY WATCH!"

"OH, LOOK AT THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK!"

"Can you two please stop fighting?"

"NO!"

"NO!"

"OH, AND USE PROTECTION WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DO IT. In fact, I'll go to my room right now and get some."

"Misato..."

"OH YEAH?! WELL WE'RE GOING TO USE IT TONIGHT!"

"NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!"

Well, at least as normal as life can get for the household.

* * *

**Omake That's Pure Fluff. Also Because I Haven't Done One in a While:  
**

Later that night, when all the excitement and hubbub had died down, Shinji lay in his bed contemplating the events that had happened just hours before. Asuka was... normal again. That fire she once possessed had been reignited, for which Shinji was immensely grateful to Saitama for. But there was something on his mind, something so profound and unbelievable that Shinji would not have thought possible had he not experienced it first hand.

Asuka had dragged him into her room and kissed him. First she demanded to be held in his arms, but she kissed him.

She kissed him, spineless Shinji Ikari the baka. _She kissed him!_ A lot! And then she said she wanted to do _it_ with him! Although that was probably just her saying it to provoke Misato, so he'd focus on the first part.

She kissed him. The first time she did it she called his performance terrible and rushed off to the bathroom to rinse out her mouth, an act that split his heart in two that day.

Shinji hated thinking about that day. It depressed him, but also brought up a frightening point. Were her actions today all just an act? Would he wake up the next to find her cold and disdainful to him? Or would she call him a pervert and hit him some more?

Such thoughts kept him feeling cold as ice and unable to leave the land of the conscious and slip peacefully into the land of the lucid.

He lay on his bed, the minutes until the great clock tower would strike twelve slowly creeping by, when out of the blue, his door slid open. Shinji turned his head to look at the entrant to his room.

It was Asuka.

"I finally managed to get past the old hag outside my room. Ha! She thought she could stay up all night and keep me from coming to you, but those beers she had for dinner ended up being her own demise!"

Shinji stared at her in terror. Was this it? Was this finally the time when Asuka would revenge herself upon him for being so 'perverted' and kissing her, when it was her that initiated it, a hypocrisy that served only to do him further harm when pointed out? Shinji hoped she wouldn't leave any lasting damage.

As she approached, Shinji lay still, eyes closed, to await the inevitable. To his surprise, no blow was forthcoming. He opened one eye in apprehensive fear, half expecting to see a fist flying at him. That which he saw shocked him more than any of the angels and their unnatural abilities.

Asuka was climbing into bed! His bed! She was going to sleep with him! Or maybe she wanted a better angle to strangle him from.

Pulling the covers over herself, Asuka snuggled right up to Shinji and put her arms around him.

Oh yes, she was definitely going to strangle him.

Shinji recoiled in fear, an action that Asuka undoubtedly noticed due to being right next to him.

This was it. Goodbye, cruel world. May he rest in peace at least, unburdened with all the woes and wrongs life had bestowed upon him.

Once again, he was surprised by Asuka's next action. She sighed, let go of him, and turned away from him.

"Sorry Shinji," She said in a sad tone, "I've hurt you, haven't I?"

Shinji's heart reached its melting point at the sound of her mournful tone. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, to assure her that everything would be alright and that he would protect her all the harms and ills in the world.

"I know I've done things like this before that all led to you being hurt, and I'm sorry. This time it's genuine, and if you don't believe me, that's fine. I understand. I came here tonight because I wanted you to comfort me, but I guess that was selfish of me, considering how much I've hurt you. Goodnight Shinji. I'll see you tomorrow, and from then on, I promise that I won't hurt you anymore. I'll make up for everything I've ever done and love you with all my heart, so maybe, just maybe, you can love me back."

She lay there for a second, just wanting to lay there for another second, and then some more, and then until forever came, because it was warm under the covers with Shinji. It made her feel safe there, comforted, and loved, which she knew she didn't deserve.

But before she could get up and leave the little slice of heaven, a pair of arms slid around her and wrapped her close to the body they were attached to.

A tear fell from her eye, and she gave a small little smile.

"Baka."

...

There is a fortress city on an island nation, ravaged by disaster and attack from monsters, but the city, like its people, are stubborn and unwilling to fall. It is night now, and the city sleeps serenely.

Somewhere in this city, in an apartment room on the fifth floor of a building part of an apartment complex with few residents, sleeps two children. They did not have an easy beginning, and had even harder trials to endure to get to where they were now, but here, now in the current moment, they are happy. They sleep, peacefully, wrapped in each other, uncaring of the rest of the world, for tonight, the small room in which they sleep _is_ the world. They are both flawed in an infinitude of ways, but their love for another fills those flaws and makes them whole.

The Earth turns on, and their newly ignited love burns on, and it shall for a very, very, long time, almost reaching to eternity.

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I got all the dialogue right. Also, ho-lee shit, longest chapter to date. The words just kept coming and coming as the chapter grew larger. Also, this chapter is longer than all the preceding chapters combined! Also, are you proud of me now mom? Also, the is more than 7000 words long, so you'll have to excuse me for any mispellings and grammatical errors. If you could point them out, that would also be helpful. Also, I use the word 'also' a lot. Also, I'll see you in the next chapter. Also, Ciao.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the contents of the package are real things. I actually googled 'prosthetic breast' and 'synthetic vagina' for "research purposes" to make the story more realistic and amusing. Shit's still vanilla compared to certain parts of AO3, though.


End file.
